The Mess We're In - My take on Britain since 2015

So the dust has settled, at least temporarily, on last Thursdays momentous General Election. I've spent the last day or so trying to get the course of events straight in my head but I'm struggling so please bare with me.

I'm going to whizz back to the last General Election in 2015 where I believe this all began. David Cameron wins, following on from his five year coalition government with the Liberal Democrats who are decimated at the polls. It seems that the electorate didn't take too well to Nick Clegg selling out students whose debts he promised to relieve them of by ending tuition fees. This was interesting because I didn't think anyone in this country previously gave a fig about students. I thought they were generally seen as lefty layabouts who should get a proper job.

Hands up if you're pleased to see the back of Clegg

With regard to Labour, during the campaign Ed Milliband had proved himself totally unsuitable to the job of running the country by not being his brother and making a bit of a mess whilst eating a bacon sandwich. Nick resigned and so did Ed. Cameron now found himself in a very strong position. But there's always a little Rupert on the horizon. In order to keep the support of the hard right of his party (basically all of them) and the right wing press and media, he had to promise a referendum on our membership of the European Union. 

This would open another can of worms. The Tories were already losing votes to UKIP whose leader hated the European Union so much he'd spent 20 years in its Parliament picking up a massive salary and expenses there for doing basically nothing. Intriguingly, UKIP were also drawing support from traditional working class areas, Labour strongholds in fact. A lot of this was down to the billionaire elite that control the media convincing people that the London based political elite were going to let 500 million EU immigrants come here and take jobs that didn't exist and that most of them didn't want to do anyway. 

Working Class Hero Nigel Farage

So, we roll on to June 2016, the time for the British people to decide on either Leave or Remain. By this time both the Labour Party and the Liberal Democrats have a new leader. The Liberals did something totally un-Liberal and picked a man who doesn't go a bundle on gay people, married or not. Now what with Labour being Labour, they had to have democracy personified in the process of choosing their new leader. You could now pay £3 to join the party and get a vote. The candidates still had to be nominated by a certain amount of the parties MP's but after that its a free for all. As some kind of weird homage to the Left wing of the party (please remember its supposed to be a left wing party) enough MP's nominated one Jeremy Corbyn Esq., the scourge of New Labour. All hell broke loose. The enivitable happened and although Jezza was backed by many in the Party, lots of non-Labour people paid up their three quid to vote and make sure he won the day. I remember seeing one very smug lifelong Tory on the news saying he'd paid his money and made his choice, obviously thinking Corbyn would be a disaster.

Well the Blairites went mad. The right wing media laughed. The Tories laughed. Everyone laughed. So we now found ourselves in the strange position of the Tory Prime Minister putting himself firmly behind the Remain campaign and Jezza, never a fan of the EU, not putting up a convincing arguement to Remain, despite most of his Party wanting him to. For the Tories, Boris Johnson , always the opportunist, switched from being a firm Remainer to fronting the Leave campaign. He and that other man of fine principle Michael Gove, travelled the country in a bus that clearly stated that Leaving the EU would mean an extra £350m a week for the NHS.

 

That bus. Apparently a figment of my leftist imagination.

So, convinced by some graffiti on the side of a bus that we've since been told didn't actually exist and hundreds of factually inaccurate stories published on a daily basis in The Sun, The Daily Mail & especially The Daily Express and broadcast on the likes of Sky News a whopping 24% of the British public who were eligible to vote voted to Leave. This was enough. Farage celebrated with yet another pint and resigned as leader of UKIP saying his work was done. Also, this of course signaled the end of the road for Dave, who'd staked his continued tenure as Prime Minister on a Remain vote. He fell on his sword and disappeared back to a world where he could listen to his Smiths LP's to his hearts content or leave his 8 year old daughter in a pub and go home without anyone noticing.

This meant we were in for something that can only be described as thoroughly riveting. A Tory Party leadership contest. Candidates came and went. For once in his life Michael Gove did something decent and stabbed fellow Leaver / Remainer (delete depending on chances of becoming PM) Boris Johnson fairly and squarely in the back. Angela Leadsom was left up against Theresa May. Leadsom then went all 1950's public information film and said May wouldn't make a good Prime Minister because she wasn't a mother. All over the country UKIP voters nodded in silent agreement but the game was up for Leadsom. She pulled out, leaving according to the Police Federation, the most unpopular Home Secretary of all time to become the UK's second female Prime Minister.

Switching back to Jezza, he had enough on his on plate trying to control his own party let alone provide effective opposition to a Tory Government that was going full tilt. Mrs May, who like Johnson, had been a committed Remainer said that 'Brexit Means Brexit'. The Daily Mail and their ilk decided she was the new Maggie and Jezza, well he was a poor mans Michael Foot or Neil Kinnock. His own party wanted him out. Backed by more frothing at the mouth headlines May pushed on with the austerity programme. This is despite the fact she had sacked its architect Chancellor George Osbourne, the Laurel to Cameron's Hardy. Gove was banished to the back benches, and in an incredible move (even now I still can't believe it) she made Johnson Foreign Secretary. On the face of it though, none of this mattered. The Tories surged ahead in the polls. Thatcher-lite May, the daughter of a Vicar, although she doesn't like to mention it appeared to be in an unassailable position. 

This is where the whole thing begins to take a strange turn. Around about three months ago the Prime Minister was asked directly if she would call a General Election before the Brexit negotiations were due to begin. She categorically stated that she wouldn't. But like all good politicians her vanity got the better of her. I'd also imagine having advisors constantly in your ear saying things like 'Prime Minister can I remind you that you're 25 points ahead in the polls, everyone in the opposition party hates their leader and we've stolen all of UKIP's policies. This may be a good time to call a General Election. You can give them some old fanny about it being a mandate for Brexit but it'll put you in charge for the next five years. This will allow you to sell off the NHS, put small children back up chimneys, cut tax for Hedge Fund managers like your husband to 0% etc etc..'

So Mrs May bit the bullet and called this election for last Thursday. This left the other parties with around six weeks to put their campaigns together. The Liberal Democrats got together in a phone box somewhere and decided, honorably in my opinion, that they would go with an anti-Brexit message. Unfortunately for them the press (even The Daily Mail) just wouldn't stop questioning their leader about his attitude towards gay people, gay marriage etc. Tim Farron would end the campaign with twelve MP's which is four more than last time but unless they get really desperate and get into bed with the Tories again they're not going to be able to do much, bar forming a football team.

What would Labour do? Many senior party figures both past and present predicted a wipe out. The biggest Tory landslide in history. With friends like that Jezza didn't need enemies. He decided he'd do what he's done for the last 30 years as an MP. He'd put forward a socialist manifesto, and he'd get out there and talk to people. He'd say "Look, schools are falling down, the NHS is underfunded, old people who've worked all their lives can't switch the heating on, 250,000 children are living below the poverty line, millions are having to use food banks, there's thousands of people homeless, but on the upside (for them at least) the richest 1% in society aren't paying their fair share and are getting richer. In a civilised society that's just not cricket, is it?"

Jezza addresses a not specially selected crowd

Amazingly in this country that has become more self centred and selfish ever since that fateful day when Mrs Thatcher declared that "there's no such thing as society", Jezza's tone struck a chord with lots of people. Especially the young. Mrs May and her team still sneered, one Tory MP saying, 'its only the young that like Corbyn and they can't be bothered to get off their arses and vote." The Tories were still well ahead in the polls. These days though opinion polls have proved to be pretty inaccurate especially on our own EU referendum and the recent elections in the USA where the American public managed to elect wall building grope artist, the tiny handed Donald Trump. 

As the parties campaigns trundled on, both main leaders decided they wouldn't appear on the televised debates. Jezza relented, and in a kind of reverse master stroke the Prime Minister sent Amber Rudd to fill her £500 leopard patterned shoes. Now if Ms Rudd has a personality she keeps it well hidden. This also gave some of the few less forgiving hacks in the newspaper industry, and of course the entire social media network, a chance to again revel in the Rudd families association with tax avoiding offshore funds. 

Amber Rudd on the TV debate, making David Moyes at Sunderland look good

So as June 8th drew closer, and despite the incredible efforts of the right wing press, the gap in the polls continued to close. The Prime Minister still seemed pretty confident. Her tagline of 'Strong & Stable' had obviously resonated well with those specially selected guests at her public appearances. Her visits to marginals had a profound effect as the Torys eventually lost all of them. Jezza was told that targeting places like Battersea was a waste of his time, but he went anyway. Labour took Battersea last Thursday. He appeared on TV relaxed and despite what was thrown at him, batted it away and calmly explained what his policies would be, if elected. He refused to get personal. He attacked the Tories record in Government but stayed away from attacking their characters.

In the last week before the election when it became apparent that there was a chance of a hung parliament or even worse, a LABOUR VICTORY, the press went into hyperdrive. Old news from 30 years ago about Jezza being in contact with the IRA. Again this was batted away as he reminded them of the uncomfortable truth that at the time the Thatcher Government were talking to the IRA directly. He was branded a Marxist extremist in the Sun. Personally, I'd regard that as a badge of honour but I'm not trying to get elected. I wonder what percentage of Sun readers (or readers of any other UK tabloid to be fair) could actually explain what a Marxist is without using the words Groucho, Harpo or Chico.

Last Thursdays Sun. The unbiased UK media at its best

 

Of course while all this was going on, Mrs May was ensconced in Number 10 looking at furniture catalogues, Tim Farron was on the radio somewhere refusing to answer the same question about 128 times, last weeks UKIP Leader Paul Nuttall having had his policies stolen by the Tories, decided to steal some new ones from The National Front, and the poor Greens despite having more MP's than UKIP were still trying to get any kind of exposure it the media. In Scotland, the SNP were even more confident and complacent than the Tories were in England, in Wales Plaid Cymru were preparing to battle it out with Labour as usual and in Northern Ireland, Sinn Fein & the DUP were busy not talking to each other. 

Despite all of this it wasn't looking like this was going to be a run-of-the-mill General Election. In this country its always seemed apparent who is going to win well before it actually happens. Generally, its whoever Rupert Murdoch wants, but maybe this time it would be different? 

Well as it happens this wasn't the case. However, it didn't quite pan out how Mrs May, the media and to be honest, me, thought it would. During the campaign Mrs May said that if Jezza gained six seats he would be Prime Minister. He gained thirty and the Tories lost thirteen. But unsurprisingly he still (at time of writing) isn't Prime Minister. Labour are still fifty-six seats behind but crucially the Tories cannot form a majority Government. A much wiser political commentator than me said of the loss of a 25 point lead when the Election was called, 'its a bit like being 5 nil up in a football match going into injury time and losing 6-5'.

Because of this unexpected (at least to her) outcome and much to the chagrinof many, even in her own party Mrs May appears to have formed some kind of coalition with the Democratic Unionist Party. However, to keep the tone with the rest of her disasterous campaign she announced this in Downing Street on Friday morning before any agreement had actually been reached, flanked only by her husband, looking like a man who'd just come second in an Arthur Askey look-a-like contest.

Now even by the standards of the political right-wing, the DUP are a bunch of nutters. Worse than any of their religious zealot-ness they have strong links with Loyalist Paramilitaries the UDA and the UVF. In fact, its exactly what Corbyn was being accused of only last week. But then as they say, a week is a long time in politics.It certainly is for the Prime Ministers two closest advisers Nick Timothy and Fiona Hill who both left their positions after worried remaining Tory MP's demanded blood. Reading between the lines it would seem those two have been running the country since Mrs May took over so they could be big shoes to fill.

In reality Mrs May can't have long left as Prime Minister. Even the previously loyal and frankly arse licking press have got their teeth into her now. We could have another General Election (oh yippee) or maybe the coalition held together by ten bigots from Northern Ireland will work and every political commentator will be wrong yet again.

If you check on any betting website you will see Boris Johnson is favourite to be the next Tory leader and therefore Prime Minister. I think we all need to take a few moments to let that sink in. Its June 2017 and Labour now holds Kensington, Enoch Powell's former constituency has a black female MP and Clement Atlee is the only previous Labour leader to get as many votes as Jeremy Corbyn. Donald Trump is (at least for the time being) President of the USA. Lots of things that didn't seem possible even in 2015 have now happened but surely thats just one too far. Isn't it?